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When was the last time you firmly declined a request? I mean a genuine no—not a tentative “let me check my calendar” or a “sure, I’ll get back to you in a few days” when you already knew it was a yes in disguise.
If you’re having difficulty recalling, you might be engaged in what I’ve begun to call the Eternal Yes: a way of living where your time, energy, and dwindling reserves of goodwill are at the disposal of everyone else but you. You’re not a doormat or inherently lazy; you likely possess a strong desire to do right by others. However, how you feel doesn’t deter burnout from creeping in.
Burnout typically isn’t the result of one poor choice. It’s more about the cumulative effect of numerous small affirmatives made when a clear no would have been the sincere reply. It’s the unnecessary meetings attended instead of opting for an email, the favors taken on to avoid the awkwardness of saying no, and the times you put aside your own needs to meet someone else’s expectations.
Burnout occurs when you equate your worth with your availability. Remember, you are a person, not merely a resource.
The term that disrupts this cycle is straightforward yet is often viewed as one of the hardest things for an adult to say without feeling the need to apologize—no.
Struggling to say this isn’t a deficiency in character; it’s a well-documented psychological issue stemming from several overlapping reasons.
Research on the Challenges of Saying No
The work of Aaron Beck in cognitive behavioral therapy highlights a common thought pattern that leads to boundary issues: “If I decline, people won’t appreciate me.” Because of this, we find ourselves attending a meeting, taking on an extra project, or agreeing to review that document, all while wondering if we’re losing our sanity.
According to Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, we tend to be more forgiving and supportive of others than ourselves. For instance, if a friend confided that she’s overwhelmed with responsibilities, you wouldn’t advise her to say yes to even more tasks, hoping for the best. Instead, you’d suggest that she lighten her load. Yet, we seldom extend this level of understanding to ourselves.
The Job Demands-Resources model proposed by Demerouti and Bakker in 2001 explains burnout as resulting when demands consistently exceed available resources like time, energy, autonomy, and support. Every unearned affirmative adds to the demand, while a no serves to reclaim resources. The math here is straightforward, but the challenge increases in a society that views constant availability as virtuous and rest as something that must be earned.
Research consistently finds that those at a higher risk for burnout aren’t those who lack commitment or carelessness; they are often individuals who have overly cared for too long without establishing necessary boundaries.
If this resonates with you, here are three practical steps to begin making changes. Each step gradually increases in complexity, allowing you to build confidence without expecting overnight transformation.
1. Retract One Previous Affirmative
This week, choose to decline a commitment that you previously accepted out of obligation rather than genuine interest. Hold onto your essential commitments, but pick something small where the potential fallout is mild discomfort, not professional repercussions.
Examples might include a non-essential meeting or a social obligation you agreed to a month ago when it felt manageable. The specific event you decline is less important than the act of recognizing that life will carry on regardless. Your friends, family, or colleagues will adapt. You are not obliged to meet everyone’s needs all the time.
Try this: Review your calendar for the next week and pinpoint one obligation that drains your energy rather than replenishing it—something you accepted without much thought. Feel free to decline, reschedule, or shorten that commitment. A simple “I can’t make it” or “I have another commitment” can suffice as a valid reason.
2. Evaluate Your Time Usage
Dive deeper into where your affirmative responses are going. Many chronic over-committers don’t perceive their schedules as choices; rather, they see them as a series of events that have occurred by chance, much like the weather. By identifying where your time is being allocated, you can begin to discern which commitments are aligned with your values and which just took up space because no one checked if you wanted them there.
Try this: Keep a record of everything you’ve promised to do in the past two weeks. Include all commitments, whether they be work-related, personal, or social. Categorize them into “I initiated this” or “This just occurred.” The latter highlights areas where your boundaries may be faltering. Are there any discernible patterns? What adjustments can you make?
3. Reassess Your Boundaries
At some point, many of us have internalized the notion that saying no equates to being selfish, unkind, or ungenerous. In reality, establishing boundaries serves to inform others about what you are capable of maintaining. An unconditional yes from someone who never declines requests can become a liability. They are inevitably heading towards an unseen wall.
Try this: The next time you feel the urge to agree when you actually want to say no, pause to consider: “By saying yes, what am I declining?” Typically, it involves sacrificing rest, concentration, or the time necessary for activities that genuinely rejuvenate you. Before impulsively affirming, acknowledge what you’ll be relinquishing.
Establish Your Milestones
You don’t have to be the person who dramatically declares they are done being available. Your target isn’t a total transformation but a minor adjustment aimed at reclaiming enough energy for the truly important aspects of life.
Burnout doesn’t build up overnight, nor can it be reversed instantly, but recovery is possible. It typically unfolds in the same manner it arrived: through a consistent series of small decisions made in a positive direction.
Author Bio
Sarah Oelschig is a human resources professional, certified coach, and trained counselor, whose focus is aiding individuals in managing workplace stress, transitioning between roles, and overcoming their inner critic. She possesses an M.A. in Counseling Psychology from the University of San Francisco and holds a Professional Coaching for Life and Work Certificate from UC Davis. Her new book is Unburned: A Slightly Messy, Mostly Honest Guide to Life After Burnout. Discover more at sarahoelschigcoaching.com.
About The Author
